Sunday, March 11, 2012
Monday, February 6, 2012
Thursday, December 29, 2011
My Prayer Journal
Thurs/Dec 29/2011
My prayer today is for my dad, Daniel Orquila Belonio Sr. I am named after him. I am the Jr. He is prominent in my mind because of the difficult news that he has prostate cancer. It's been several years now, at least five years he was diagnosed with this type of cancer. I think after one year since his remarriage to Berlyn Casulla that he came down with this disease. Chantelle Danica was born, August 31, 2006. At my 48th birthday, I became an older brother to baby Chantelle. It was this same 2006 year that he came down with prostate cancer, unsure about the month.
Whatever the month he had this cancer discovered, it does not change the awful dread in my heart that in fact my dad is going to die someday. Perhaps, sooner than I want or am willing to let go. It hurts a lot to think about it. My dad is 79 years old. He is 25 years older than I am. He was born October 28, 1932 in Iloilo, Philippines. I was born July 25, 1957. My dad was 25 years old when I was birthed in this world in Miller Hospital & Sanitarium. My mother, Rebecca Real was a good woman who was brave during my birth because she almost died from the delivery. I was a very big baby.
Last week on Thursday, December 22, three days before Christmas he started radiation therapy, a total of five treatments. Even on Christmas day, December 25 he had his third treatment. By the time he leaves the hospital, he would have had completed five treatments. He arrived to this decision to have radiation therapy after he almost died during his visit with his younger brother, Abraham in the Philippines. He was advised by his wife and myself not to make this trip. Stubbornly, he went anyways. Stubbornness is a strong trait of my dad. I must admit that I have this stubborn trait, too. During this trip, he lost 20 pounds and fell while in the plane on his arrival back to Toronto, Ontario.
He called me Monday, December 19 to tell me he was not feeling very well, about his pain and that he was going to ask his doctor to admit him so that he can rest. He felt badly that his wife was bathing him, feeding him, and helping him go to the bathroom. I'm glad for Berlyn's continued care of my father. i will always be grateful to her. While some of my siblings had issues with dad's remarriage, I processed it and came to accept it. I and my older brother, Darielyn co-officiated our dad's wedding. Our two younger siblings, Darrell & Rosita had difficulties in accepting his new wife and family which is understandable. One year after my mom died, dad remarried. One year after that, Chantelle Danica was born.
My younger siblings felt they were disloyal to mother, Rebecca Real if they accepted this marriage. For my older brother and myself it was not a matter of disloyalty but a fact of life that no adult child can ever meet the needs of a widower who happens to be our dad. A good friend, Romelda Jereos Anderson who also had to deal with this issue after she lost her mother. Her dad, Tatay Jereos married someone much younger than he was. Romelda said, "A son's love no matter how good it is can never match the love of a loving wife. Your life moved on after your mother died, didn't. Then, why can't your dad's life move on, too?" Makes sense to me. It seemed the unselfish thing for me to see dad move on. Why? It's not about me. It's about dad--his needs and his life. I'm glad his new family fills him with so much happiness in the midst of his pain dealing with cancer.
Another good friend told me when I had issue about the timing of dad's remarriage, he said to me, "Whether your dad marries one year later from your mom's death or 10 years later, it does not change the fact that she's dead. She's not more or less dead after she died." Despite the loss of my mom through death, I realized the truth of a man's need for companionship and the significance of time, and how we all want to love and be loved! How true, isn't?
Prayer: Dear God, I thank you for my dad and all he's done for me. I pray that his remaining years on earth with his family and friends will be as pain free as possible. Only You know how long or short that time will be. I trust in You. I ask You for his days to not be filled with pain and suffering he cannot bear. Rather, will You be His strength and comfort during these difficult days ahead? Amen."
Friday, October 28, 2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Seeing myself through His eyes...
Psalm 4:3-5 (New International Version)
3 Know that the LORD has set apart the godly for himself;
the LORD will hear when I call to him.
I am spending time with Jesus today. I have spent way too long away from him, depending on my own power, strength and resources. And I am ashamed to say that I was wrong. I am sorry, Lord. Now I am starting anew and asking God for His mercy and grace. I am thrilled that He is patient with me. I claim the promise that says, "He will never leave me, nor forsake me." Today, is the first day of the rest of my life.
Today's devotion says to me several important truths.
1. I am to KNOW something. What I am to know is that God has "set apart" the godly for himself. I am that godly He has set apart. Set apart means to sanctify. He "sanctifies" me for Himself. I am honored that He chooses to sanctify me for Himself. I am unworthy that He is even willing to do this. I feel uncomfortable that He even calls me "godly". God's willingness to do this means to me that He values and loves me. And that He is doing it for a purpose. I rejoice in this wonderful truth that God wants me to know this.
In addition to all of this, the rest of the verse says that God will hear me when I call to Him! I praise the Lord for this! I feel undeserving that He would do this: Give me an assurance of something significant, that He cares deeply for me to set me apart; that He does this for Himself as if He enjoys doing this and He listens when I pray to Him. All I can say is Praise His holy Name. (Psalm 103:1, 2).
To know is something that is personal and intimate. It is not merely thinking or believing or having some information. It includes that and goes beyond to include an activity reserved for lovers. To know is to have a conjugal experience with your lover. God wants me as His Lover to know that He cares, loves, and enjoys me. He calls me godly. He calls me friend. I am a friend of God. I am reserved and set apart for Him. I feel wonderful to know He feels this way about me.
Why does God feel this way about me? It must be because He loves me. I can't understand such love. I know in the deepest part of me that I don't deserve His love. This must be grace! Grace is unmerited favor. Grace is God's kindness in action that He treats me opposite of what I deserve. What I deserve is death. Yet, He loves me to enjoy me for Himself! I can't fully understand that God would enjoy me for Himself. Why? Because I see myself through my eyes and my life experience tells me that there is no value, worth and reason for enjoyment.
The spiritual maturity comes in the realization that I need to change the focus from looking at myself through my eyes, and now through my Father's eyes. Remember Amy Grant's song, My Father's Eyes.
What difference would it make if I stopped looking at myself through my eyes, and through His eyes? Would I see myself differently? Would my sense of worthy and value be different if I were to see myself through God's eyes? Definitely, Yes!
To see myself through God's eyes means that He sees something of worth and value in myself that I don't see. He knows something of value and worthy in myself that I don't know. He believes in me something that I don't believe in myself. He realizes something of a purpose in my life that I haven't realized or discovered yet. What's exciting is to sense that something important is going to happen if I were to see, know, believe and realize something about myself if I were to see/know/believe/realize through My Father's Eyes, and not through my eyes.
Just as important as what it says about me is what this discovery says about God! I see my worth and value not dependent upon my perspective, but from His perspective. I find out that what it says about God is that He is a loving, merciful, gracious and believing God that He would find something redeeming, of worth, and value in myself that it blows my mind. I am humbled to know that God sees something in me that He cherishes. I am moved to love Him back. I am empowered to serve Him because of this perspective.
Prayer: Lord, I've struggled with my self-worth all of my life because I see myself through my eyes. You are teaching me to change the focus from looking through my eyes to through Your eyes. When I do this something transforming happens! I see my sense of value and worth from Your perspective. And it humbles, moves and empowers me. I now have a purpose for living that I hadn't before. And I want now to be spent totally for You. You initiated this change. And I am thankful, grateful and in eternal debt to you! A debt I can never repay. A debt of love to Someone who is the greatest Lover who ever lived. I want to spend the rest of my life looking not only at myself, but to family, friends, community and the world through Your eyes. My Father's eyes!
My Father's eyes, by Amy Grant:
I may not be every mother's dream for her little girl.
And my face may not grace the mind of everyone in the world.
But that's all right as long as I can have one wish I pray.
When people look inside my life, I want to hear them say.
CHORUS:
She's got her Father's eyes, her Father's eyes
Eyes that find the good in things, When good is not around.
Eyes that find the source of help, When help just can't be found.
Eyes full of compassion, seeing every pain.
Knowin' what you're going through, and feeling it the same.
Just like my Father's eyes, my Father's eyes, my Father's eyes
Just like my Father's eyes.
And on that day when we will pay for all the deeds we have done,
Good and bad they'll all be had to see by everyone
And when you're called to stand and tell just what you saw in me,
More than anything I know, I want your words to be
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